You're just to good to be true...

I just spent a bit of time (ok 2 hours) talking to my lovely friend Judith. We had so much fun and came up with such really good jokes that I felt I now have to share it all in a tribute to my LA best friend. Who of course managed to call me when I did what; eating chocolate of course! It was dark so I haven't scrapped the diet as she told me too, but still very funny.

Jude and I are obviously very serious when we spend time talking. For those of you who don't know the pair of us we're practically bussiness partners; it's a meet to talk and pray kind of thing. Well, this conversation started of with a language lesson.

-I bet you are going to have a boyfriend before me!

-No, you'll get this handsome wikkar and lots of kids Jude, you'll be married before me

-Haha I love how you say vicar...hahaha

-No, VVicar, Vicar, vicar, did I say it right now?

A bit later on..

-In the beginning we're having this intro, inter, int, well pre-sessional weeks at biblecollege

-Jude, do you mean introductory weeks?

-Yes, that's how you say it. I can't pronounce it..interductory? int..? Whatever hah

-Haha hihihi hahaha chhchsch hihi

Aren't we good at English language...

On a more serious note: Jude it was great to talk to you! I love your eagerness to pray and how you pour your heart and soul out in prayer support for me. Hugely appreciated, this sense of peace and how I know that God answers our prayers because He has done so before. We are really power women in Christ!

I'm so grateful that you persisted in trying to win my heart in our friendship, now it is truly yours. I miss your care, love and laughter, and look forward to seeing you sometime in January, and hearing from you a lot earlier. I thought I should finish of with a poem you've written me. Let it symbolise our friendship...

Hanna

I wish you were here with me
I feel stronger with you near
A rock, on which I could rely
You sheltered me from fear

Deep friendships are like treasured jewels
Hidden within stone
You never know how much they're worth...
Until they've gone back home

by Judith Barnes

I'm sending especially the last part straight back to you...With lots of love!

Your Hanna

a Film I like!

On the train journey home last week I watched a Swedish film, "Farsan" (which means dad). It was so funny, all about integration and cultures crashing into one another and the people being squashed inbetween. It also treats the subject of manliness; what is it to be a man and what does a woman want?

Dad works at a bike shop together with Juan and Jörgen who owns the shop. Jörgen is worried about his marriage; he is a softie who never knows what he wants and feels like his wife wants a tougher guy. Juan is concerned about his old dog which has arthritis. The only one who hasn't got a problem in the world is Dad. His son is soon having a baby with his beautiful wife and creating the ultimate family happiness for them all. Besides Dad is everything a man should be; he could get any woman anywhere. He is though and strong and a great food, but when he starts to look for a grandmum nothing goes as expected...

I laughed so much when I watched this film and my parents and my brother also like this film, so it can satisfy every taste. So watch it!

Healthy day

I really love breakfasts; this is knäckebröd

with cheese and ham and a fruitsalad

+a cup of black tea and a glass of water.

The joy is completed by the newspaper and the view.

Such a nice way to begin the day!

And since I'm such a good person nowadays, this is my snack that I've eaten whilst writing this. I just had to eat something after my yoga. Soon I'll be off walking my dog, and tonight the gym is waiting for me. Lovely!

The health regime!

Two weeks before I went to Italy this summer, I decided that enough is enough: I need to loose weight. All the Lee Abbey cakes, the cereal and toast staple diet I had there, and the overeating I've succumbed to when stressed (or bored or sad or anxious or happy) had finally got to me. I was overweight! Not very overweight, but far heavier than I wanted to be at the age of 19.

So I decided to change. Not to a short term diet or to a crazy training programme but to good habits I could stay with for life. The most important step is to stop the whole system of dieting-overeating, overeating and more dieting, which is a change that I think has been ongoing the last year. The next step has been to tame my sugarmonster; the part of me that craves sweet things in no limit amounts. That is the one change I've worked on since June, trying only to eat sweets once a week and choosing wholegrain products whenever possible as well as eating less carbohydrates. I know I'm not there yet: I'm still eating a Lot of fruit and tend to put sweet things in food. i'malso a sucker for jam, sweetchili sauce, etc, and even though those things aren't in my sweets-list, i feel like it probably would be good to cut down on them. However, I've had some progress and I'm still pressing on.

The next Big challenge will probably be the hardest: to eat smaller portions. I've been used to eating lots sinceI was a child, and both my parents and my brother still do. So changing this pattern requires a lot from me. At the moment I'm trying to doublethink every time I take a portion of something; if I want to eat three dried apricots I take two instead, or if I would normally eat one avocado one two pieces of "knäckebröd" I'll take half of it instead. Pretty tricky but I hope I'll get better at it and improve gradually.

Exercise is the most joyful part of my regime. I'm going to the gym three times a week and take 1 hour walks with my dog as often as possible. I also do yoga every morning, my routine comprises some stretches and some "greetings to the sun". I really like the stuff I do and hope to complement it with some running soon. I'm seeing a physiotherapist and doing loads of rehabilitation exercises each day that should pay off soon so just wait, I'll be out there soon!

The important question is of course wheather I have any results yet. The answer is yes. Even though I can't see all of them on the scale yet. I'm using both the scale and measuring tape and there has been a lot of weeks when I've lost a cm here and there but no weight, so I'm paying more attention to the measuring tape at the moment.

This was an account of my new lifestyle. I'll try to write about "the regime" every now and then to keep myself aware and you guys updated.

See ya!

Abisko-Kårsavagge-Låkktatjåkka-Björkliden

Raindeers

Team picture!



Our first day in the valley of Kårsavagge

These are just a select few of the pictures from my trekingtrip. If you want to see more of them facebook is probaly the right place to go!

Anyway I might as well tell you that I really loved the trip; it was really nice to meet Kristina and awesome to spend a couple of days outside. I so enjoy outdoor life, and the two sunny days we had clearly outweighed the rain and mist on our two last days... I hope I could somehow inspire you all to get out there, its all worth the effort. Please tell me if you would like to follow me on a trekk sometime,

into the wild....

Politics

Well now I'm back from the mountains. An awesome trip, just amazing. Words aren't sufficient to describe it, so I will post some pictures instead when I get back to Kvicksund.

So, the subject of today: politics. This year there is election in Sweden. And to be honest I haven't got a clue what to vote for. My year in Lee Abbey has affected me a lot; when you hear about life in different countries you suddenly value certain things at home. For me one of those things I appreciate more is the welfare system. Other things I've come to value more is our immigration policys that are rather generous, and the small class differences we have. I more concerned about people with health problems and those unemployed than before, and I also think more about the environment. A year or two ago I would have thought more about freedom of choice and which party that was best at market policies. As you see my focus has shifted and now I'm pretty lost. All the parties seem so similar.

In Sweden, most parties are rather social liberal except maybe the left party (which was the communists before) and a few one issue parties. I guess that the long rule of the socialdemocrats has ingrained the soul and culture of us Swedes. It hasn't got to be a bad thing; I like the fact that most Swedes really care about the less fortunate and see free public schools and healthcare as something natural and necessary. This is someting the Socialdemocrats often lift forward as their main issues and those are things that care about too.

However good the welfare system is, it has made Swedes dependant on the state to solve everything for us. I recently watched a documentary about a severely depressed woman who had difficulties getting her disability pension. She committed suicide when the state, in this case "försäkringskassan" made a mistake and sent her a letter telling her that she had to start working again when she was actually entitled to disability pension. Of course the civil service to send her the letter. Of course they should have had more consideration and care. And the death of the woman was very tragical. But when a severely depressed person commits suicide, isn't the main reason her illness and not her other circumstances? Many things could have triggered her fatal decision, so why are we blaming the state? (Or at least the show did it) I just don't get it, I wish we would have more perspective in the Swedish debate: things are a lot better here than in many countries. We should be grateful for what we have been able to create and try to improve it, but come on; you have to take responsibility for yourself within that system too! Since it is the rule of the Socialdemocrats that has created this culture and they often want the state to solve every issue possible; from healthproblems to jobs, I wouldn't vote for them. But there is still about 5 other parties I could consider, so I haven't got much closer to a choice, have i...

Something that definitly makes matters worse are how politicians behave in general. Why can't they just be nice to eachother when they debate? And why can't they inform and communicate like they were talking to educated adults and not some imbecils of a lesser rase? I'm so tired of empty slogans ans simplified statements thrown in the face of their opponents instead of inteligent conversations with facts and arguments explaining their opinions.

So, if there is a politician somewhere who is nice to their opponents and cares about people, especially those in need like immigrants, children, the elderly and the poor, my promise is that I will vote for you. Especially if you have an idea about how to create a better enployment market where young people can stan a chance, and if you care about sustainability too.

Anyone who has seen this politician?

A single beautiful place to live

My dog needs to get out every now and then and today I took him out for an hour of fast walking. On the way back I looked out over the fields, just stunned by the beauty. I really like living here. The open landscape and mix of views between the lake, fields and woods.

In the past when I've been walking and running and it's been really pretty I've always longed for someone to share it with; a boyfriend. Today I noticed that I feel different. At the moment I'm very content as single; I share the beauty with God and it is enough. I enjoy life as it is which is such a good feeling.

It isn't that I want to remain single for the rest of my life; I like men far too much for lifelong singleness. But there is no void that has to be filled by someone else; there is life to the fullness with or without someone. I really hope that I'll grow closer to, and more centred on Jesus through this time. I want to make the most of this contentment!

Exercise!!!

Today I had a personal instructing session at my gym. My gym is part of a Swedish charity organisation, Friskis & Svettis; all instructors are volounteers and trained there. It's a really nice atmosphere there and very good prices, so I like it. One of the best things is that you get a number of free personal instructions, and that's what I had booked for today.

When I've had this instruction session before there always were these confident, 25+ or 40 years old guys giving me a programme. This time, however, things were a bit different. This nervous, really young guy says hello, and tells me that he is doing his first official instruction wherefore there is another guy supervising/checking on him. I assume that the people that normally book these sessions are 40+ ladies that never have stepped into a gym before. But since I've gone too the gym quite a lot before my needs were rather different from the normal client. I felt so sorry for this nervous (really cute n' handsome) guy. It wasn't really what he had expected, and the supervisor had to fill in more than I think he was supposed to do.

Well well, I got a really nice training programme in the end, with exercises for the whole body every time instead of a split and different muscle groups each time as I wanted in the first place. I liked all the exercises; there were several ones that were new to me, and they could be varied so that each of my three workouts differs. Now I feel really inspired actually!

I am in a special phase in my life physically at the moment. After years of overeating, a time of eating disorders and a training schedule that has varied from 7-8 workouts a week, running 35 km a week, to next to nothing except my physical job, I am now trying to find a balance where I eat and exercise of the right reasons. I want to feel and be well, not only look good, which is a massive attitude change for me.

I need to loose a bit of weight, which is a huge challenge for me since I really do not want to fall into the old trap of dieting - overeating again. Right now I am just skipping the sweet and unhealthy things, but to actually loose weight I'll probably have to downsize my food portions as well. A tricky one. I'm feeling hopeful anyway, and excited about finding a lifestyle I enjoy which will make me both feel good and look good. Fitness Me here I come!

I just have to take care not injuring myself again. My physiotherapist, who is helping me to get rid of the calf problem that stopped me from running during two years (it was due to overtraining during the eating disorder time) very wisely said: Now we are going to find the sustainable development for your calves.

It isn't only as a degree I'm going to pursue sustainable development during this year, my whole being needs it!

Spannarboda weekend!

This weekend I went with my friend to visit her family in Spannarboda, a little village in the middle of Sweden. We had an awesome time! Among other things she took me for a ride on her motorbike...Really cool!


Pretty biker girls, aren't we?

Except driving around in the woods like crazy people, we went for a walk around the village. It took 20 min. We also watched a film and spent Saturday morning doing yoga and painting each other's nail. So relaxing... Linnea is really good at footmassage, that's for sure. Before we went back to Eskilstuna/Kvicksund we dressed up and spent some time in Örebro. I drank the best latte I've had in my life, with chocolate syrup in and a piece of dark chocolate by the side. That it was all fairtrade made it all perfect.

On the whole it was a very nice weekend. Whenever Linnea asked me what we should do I told her in a northern accent that the only thing I wanted was to be with her. It became a really funny joke, but it is also very true. I love when I get to spend lots of quality time with people. It makes me feel loved and appreciated and I thouroghly enjoy it. Thank you Linnea for your gift of friendship and a really nice couple of days!

My sometimes crazy but very pretty friend!

Soundtrack for the weekend :)

A loving group of people

Today one of my best friends came over for a chat, dinner and kayaking.
As always we had some great conversations, on all sorts of topics. One of the best was about faith; how we view God and how humanity has seen God during different time periods. As we often do we spinned off to another topic and started to discuss religion. Linnea pointed out how things we often give importance to in church, rules etc. can be very far from Jesus's message of God as love. Weren't we supposed to be a loving group of people, after all?

I tried to explain why I think that rules can be someting good. They can help us to get closer to God when one part of us would rather follow our selfish desires, which is great! Furthermore the rules and traditions we have are often created by people who loved God and pursued to love Him more. Off course that is not always the case...
Rules can become a way to justify ourselves before God and resist his grace and love by declaring them unnecessary, just like the pharisees did.

This tension, between God's grace and how a faith has to have deeds to be alive, is something that I struggle with a lot. I'm naturally inclined to want to perform and achieve things. Therefore I often fall into the trap of trying to earn God's love and approval, Furthermore I'm attracted to prestige, which gives me a desire to be a "good and proper" christian. This produces behaviour that reassembles the behaviour of the pharisees, something that causes me quite a lot of grief. On one hand I know that more than anything I want to be the person God created me to be. I desire to be the loving, compassionate Hanna who cares more about others than how she is viewed or how she sees herself. But at the same time I can feel the urge to be super successful super christian Hanna, who tends to be rather elitistic and nasty. And even though I know I'm more like the loving Hanna now than a couple of years ago, I still struggle to let go of the super version of me.

I drove Linnea to Eskilstuna and as I drove back home again, I started to think about these things and got rather depressed. Super me wondered how I would ever become the person that God planned for me to be. So it was very, very nice when I opened my bible and read the passage for the day, from 1 Cor 15:42-44, (the message)

This image of planting a dead seed and raising a live plant is a mere sketch at best, but perhaps it will help in approaching the mystery of the resurrection body—but only if you keep in mind that when we're raised, we're raised for good, alive forever! The corpse that's planted is no beauty, but when it's raised, it's glorious. Put in the ground weak, it comes up powerful. The seed sown is natural; the seed grown is supernatural—same seed, same body, but what a difference from when it goes down in physical mortality to when it is raised up in spiritual immortality!

I know this passage is about the resurrection, but what struck me is how it is God's reedeming grace, through Jesus' sacrifice, that recreates us. Even though I'm weak and just a little seedling I can become a powerful plant (perhaps even a tree ^^).God reminded me how He has always been the one acting in my life, moving me in the direction of Him and shaping me into myself, the self I'm supposed to be. It's with and through Him! As you understand I felt encouraged and less guiltridden. When we allow God's grace into our lives it is easier to surrender our plans of earning his love and approval. The part of me that want to make it on my own according to my own wishes dies, but in that death there is a chance too grow into all that I can be in Jesus. Life to the fullest, one of those mysterious parodoxes of Kingdom life and God.

On the picture below there is a birch, which is my favourite tree. The seeds are really small and annoying but ones they start to grow they are beautiful, as you can see:

New starts and a nice run

So now I'm doing this thing. Again.
Well, I sort of like blogging and I reckon it might be a nice way of keeping you guys up to date with my life, since I move around a lot at the moment.

Did I ever tell anyone that Sweden is beautiful?
Today I went for my third run since I've come back home, and goodness gracious how I loved it.
Summer evenings are very pretty here; the sunshine on the fields, the green birches and the blue sky, the white fluffy clouds and all those smells that belong to moist summer air. It all makes me genuinely happy.

As I came back from the run and walked across our garden, I thought of the poem Charles gave me when I left Lee Abbey Devon:

I thank you God for most this amazing day:

for the leaping greenly spirits of trees

and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything

which is infinite which is natural which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,

and this is the sun's birthday; this is the birthday

of life and of love and of wings: and of the gay

great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing

breathing any -lifted from the no

of all nothing-human merely being

doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and

the eyes of my eyes are opened)

-e.e. cummings

I looked out over the lake we live by, and nearly started to cry. The beauty of God really touches m. He created us such a beautiful place to live, and it really draws me to thank him. It's such a proof for his existence and always reminds me how he brought me back to himself after a long time of doubt. I had such a long season of numbness, and later sadness, but God brought me back to life again through nature. And my eyes and ears awoke...